not2late4tina

Right now I am struggling with the urge to not slap each and every person who talks to me at work; especially when it’s before 7am. I am not now, nor will I ever be a morning person. I have been getting up around 5 for work for over a year now. I think if it was going to become habit, it would have. Seriously, what could be sooooo important it must be said at 6:30 in the morning.  Ok, it was a relief to get that off my chest. At least now I won’t have to slap my cube mate in the back of the head. (I hope I didn’t offend any of you cheery morning people)

I have either maintained, or like this week gained, for the last 3 weeks. I realized something after talking over email with a dear friend; I am making lots and lots of excuses lately. First it was my routine was thrown off. Next it was depression. Then it was a trip out of town. Now it is PMS/Depression. It’s like I keep waiting for everything to be perfect before I hold myself accountable. It is also frustrating when I feel like eating well and exercising is punishment. Then it is really easy to come up with excuses as to why I deserve to not work out, I deserve to eat that bag of chips. At what point will being healthy be the reward in itself?

I am the type of person who does really well with my routine if no outside factors get in the way. That is the problem though, things always come up. Nothing will ever, does ever, stay the same. Any advice on how to go with the flow would be greatly appreciated.

Why I joined a Buddyslim team. Why I stay on a team. This has been going through my mind lately. Why I joined was easy. I am very shy and a good friend of mine thought it would be a good way to open up and meet new people. I was hesitant for several reasons; the first being shy and not wanting to post on the forum. The second reason, I wasn’t sure I was completely committed to changing my life on a permanent basis. I didn’t want to feel tied down. What if I wanted to quit something yet again?

Why I stay on the team is a little harder to explain. I just want to get healthy and work on finding my own happiness. I am 258 pounds. I have several weight related health problems. I need to change my lifestyle. I don’t have time for anything else. Sometimes other stuff comes up though; rumors, immaturity, and jealousy. If you are truly here to better yourself, why would you take the time to engage in this behavior? Why would you attack other people? It seems like being on a team can open you up to some of that negativity. It can come from competitive team members, or even former team members.

After weighing the pros and cons of being on a team, in my opinion, The Team;   the pros won hands down. Why, first and foremost, because of my amazing team leaders. They continually let me know they are there for me, they don’t push me, they walk next to me. They make me see good things in myself I never have before. They support me no matter what. They don’t always agree with me, but they stay by my side. The second reason is because of the other teammates who like me, want support, advice, friendship and offer the same in return. They go through their own struggles. When I have a bad day or week even, I am ashamed to admit what I have done. They welcome me with understanding, open arms. It is because of that team I do stay on my journey. I veer off now and then and with their help I find my way back on the path.

So I have written two private blogs in one weekend I figure I can come up with something to post public. I don’t feel like I’m holding myself accountable if I don’t go public. I have been depressed for about a week. I have also been sick and had yet another sinus infection. When I am depressed, I am more shy than usual which explains the private blogs. Not to mention, I really don’t like to be a downer. I don’t feel people want to come on Buddyslim to be put into a funk. I know reading what I wrote pushed me further into mine. So I am going to avoid discussing the whole woe is me part.

I went to the gym Saturday and Sunday after taking 5 days off from exercising. The five days wasn’t planned but there it is. The crazy high calorie days weren’t planned either. They happened and I am moving on. Luckily, I didn’t end up gaining, which is very strange. I feel like I need to be punished but I got a get out of jail free card instead. In truth, I don’t need to gain weight to know letting myself go for a week is not good. It makes it that much harder to get back into the swing of healthy living. It also makes it feel more like a diet. If I have a high calorie day once a week, that is not the norm, that is the exception. If I go crazy for a week, being healthy is no longer a normal part of my routine. I can tell as I’m writing this, I’m still in a funky mood. I feel Attila sneaking out more and more these days. She keeps taunting me with all of my faults and failures.

One thing I have found about myself is change in my routine always equals some form of disaster for a healthy lifestyle. I am so not a go with the flow kinda gal. As long as outside factors don’t affect my eating, sleeping, and exercising; things go well. So I need to learn to take things in stride. I need to work on being flexible and find a way to accomplish what I need to regardless of the circumstances. One positive thing I can say; I have not given up. Which the old me would have by now. The new me knows this is for life and I can’t quit each time things get hard. I may stray off track for a bit, but I will find my way back on.

The PMS blues are here. I’m starting to notice a pattern, I blog about the same time every month.  I’ve gotten back on track this past week. A big part of the reason was Miss Loni’s 13 Day challenge. I like the idea of just getting through 13 days. It feels much less daunting than thinking this is for the rest of my life. Which it needs to be and will be, but baby steps first.  I went to the gym three times this week. Yesterday I may have pushed it a wee bit, I had trouble rolling out of bed this morning. I’m sore all over but it’s a good feeling. Today’s a lazy day but I will probably attempt to do my Wii Fit. I want to thank Kerstin, Nancy, Loni, and Kama for staying in touch everyday helping me stay accountable. I love you guys. Well I’m having writers block which is probably apparent from my unoriginal title, so that’s all I have for now.

I was going to write about how mad I am at myself and how I feel sorry for myself way too much. I decided that’s not how I feel after all. I am frustrated for sure, but I am done playing my own victim. I am accepting the fact that the last two weeks did not go well but I can’t rewind the clock, so I only need to focus on today.

I have been very depressed lately. I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was little. For me it is so frustrating because it just kind of happens. One minute I’m fine things are going well and the next I feel like sleeping, eating, and crying. Heck I’m crying while I write this. Nothing bad or stressful needs to happen, it just shows up. I am on meds for anxiety and depression but I’m thinking I will make an appointment with my doctor to see about changing my dose or something. I really need to report all of my misdeeds so I can hold myself accountable. I have been off the wagon for two weeks now. I have gained 3 pounds. I haven’t updated my tracker yet. Didn’t want to see the 260’s again.

 I joined the gym today, it was just closing when I got there so haven’t worked out yet. I’m really trying to dig for some form of motivation. I literally slept the entire three day weekend. I am sorry I haven’t been around buddy slim much but I am having enough trouble keeping myself afloat and can’t seem to come up with anything very encouraging to say. I want to thank my awesome Wildcat team for staying supportive. They are the best group of people. Without them I’m not sure I wouldn’t have already given up and closed my BS account. I am doing everything I can to make this time different from all the millions of other times I’ve tried to ‘diet’. This time I am not on a diet, I have buddyslim, and I am not giving up on myself. My goal this week will be to log my calories good or bad, and to make it to the gym at least once before Friday (That one is thanks to a lot of not so gentle pushing from Kerstin ).  

OK all done whining… For now.  Sorry Nancy, Attila keeps taking over the keyboard.  

I really hate to write a whiny blog but I need to get some stuff out. I am sooooooo sad today. I just got back last night from my trip to visit my sister in North Carolina. I had such a good time. We walked 2.6 miles every morning. I pushed a double stroller and there were a lot of hills. Unfortunately I didn’t log my calories so I didn’t eat that well. I’m not focusing on that now though, I am just getting right back on track today. I went down to help my sister because she just had a baby three weeks ago and has a two year old. The newborn, Ben was only 6 pounds and soooo adorable. I held him all the time. I also played with the two year old who is at a cute age where he is very chatty but hard to understand.

I really have no desire to be a parent myself, but I love being an Aunt. Ben makes nephew number 5 and I have 4 nieces. Unfortunately they are all spread over different states on the east coast. I am feeling really lonely right now. This really makes me want to eat, but I am not doing that (at least I’m trying hard not to). I am going to catch up on blogs, do my laundry, and unpack.

On one bright note, I was quite happy to see that for once in my life I didn’t have the all or nothing attitude. In the past if I wasn’t eating great, I would not exercise. This time I did lots of exercising even though my eating was not great. This is a big step for me. This tells me I am making life style changes and not dieting.

I also wanted to take a minute to thank David for being a great partner over the last two weeks. He is a great motivator and friend. Thank you so much David for helping me through some rough weeks. I also want to thank Kerstin and Nancy for staying in touch with me while I was gone, you guys really made me feel loved. I hope you both know how much you help me get through each day. I have missed my buddies, especially the wildcats.

I am hoping writing something will help me out of yet another funk. Between a stressful week at work, a final exam on Saturday, one last online test today, and having pms, I am lost. I know the final didn’t go too well because I barely studied. I just couldn’t focus yesterday. Oh well, I know I will pass the class. I keep getting bouts of depression during pms. I get horrible periods but I can’t take birth control pills.

I miss my dang cereal. I’ve had some bad calorie days since I stopped eating it. I had approximately 3 high calorie days this week. Yesterday after my final I had Long John Silver’s. One good thing was as opposed to a few months ago; I only ordered one meal and was quite full. I did well today, no work out so I maintained 1,600 calories today. This is actually the low number on my spark people recommendation. Aside from push-ups, sit-ups, and the plank hold for 45 seconds (which are thanx to my challenge with wildcat partner David), I haven’t worked out since Wednesday.

Ok, enough sitting on my pity pot. I am looking forward to a much more relaxing week at work and a couple of weeks off from school. I am anxious to get back to being a big mouth in the wildcat forums, I missed them. Have I mentioned how much I love that group? Without them and buddyslim, I’m pretty sure I would be wallowing in some fast food right now.

I’ve been asked a few times to post a picture. (Loni doesn’t like talking to feet apparently ) I’m not sure if anyone else feels this way, but the reason I don’t is I’m afraid I won’t blog if I do. Or I won’t be so honest. I guess I’m afraid somehow people who know me will come across it. It’s probably an irrational fear.  Well I’m done rambling. I hope everyone had a better weekend than I did.

Help. I am soooo tired so when I came home, I ate without planning it through. I ended up hitting 2200 calories today and I’m struggling not to eat more. I need to go to sleep but I want to do the 30 Day Shred first. It’s actually funny, just a month ago I would have been happy with 2200. I don’t mind a high calorie day here and there, but I didn’t want it today. I am really surprised it’s been exactly one month since I started limiting my calories and sticking to it. It has actually gone by fast. Who knew?

Ahhh work is stressful right now because I’m covering for people out on vacation; but I’m happy to have a job. I’m just not used to working so dang hard. My little sister had her baby over the weekend so I’m heading down to North Carolina to help her out the end of this month. She also has a two year old so she has her hands full. I’m very excited. Geesh, I’m getting even more boring.

I wanted to write today so I could remember that eating well and exercising on the weekend will not kill me after all.  I was below 1800 calories Saturday and I did my 30 day shred. Sunday I was below 1700 calories and I spent about 50 minutes on my Wii Fit. I did hula hoops for 6 minutes; man my hips were burning. I did boxing for 10 minutes; my shoulder still hurts because I got too excited. I also did step for 10 minutes and some yoga and strength training. I’m taking today off from exercise except for some sit-ups and push-ups I’m doing with my buddy Yumika. Who by the way is an awesome buddy. I am also keeping my calories below 1800 today.

On a not so great note, I never left the house from Friday after work until Monday. I’m starting to feel like a bit of a weirdo. So my new goal will be to try to go out at least once this month and do something outside of my comfort zone.

I haven’t written in a few days so I thought I should put something down. I’m finding it hard to come up with things to say. For once it isn’t because I’m not doing well. I’m actually doing quite well. I lost 3.5 pounds this week and I’m happy about that. I had a day where I stopped eating at 1800 calories; although yesterday was a high calorie day. I didn’t eat junk food, I just ate too much dang cereal. I’m almost out of milk and cereal and I am going to try to go one month without buying more. I’ve been eating cereal for dinner almost every day for a month now so it’s going to be hard. I only eat Chex cereal and I don’t add sugar but its still way too many calories and carbs.

I’m getting ready to do the 30 Day Shred, I am really enjoying this workout and after this week I hope to make it to level 2. I was supposed to do it yesterday, but I was bad and watched a movie and went to bed instead. I’m still hitting my current goal of 4 days of working out but I was trying for 5. In between Shred days I’m doing my Wii Fit. I’m pleasantly surprised to see that I’m not sick of it yet.

Also just wanted to point out one more time, I love being part of a group on this site. It has really pulled me out of my shell. My team can’t get me to shut my big yapper now. It is so nice having so many people who understand me and know what I’m going through. A little bit of competition is good too. On another good note Attila is still making fewer appearances. She did come out yesterday when I went over my calories and didn’t work out. She loves to rub it in. I’ll let her have her one day out of the week.